Belonging, Fences and Patterns
One of my earliest patterns was around connection.
I was born prematurely in the 60s, an only child with strict parents. Due to complications, I was separated from them for the first four weeks of my life. That absence left a mark, that would colour most of my life without me even realising. That and other early life experience were instrumental in creating a deep groove where keeping quiet and staying out of sight felt like the safest option.
The family message was often clear: be seen and not heard. Silence was expected. But there was another side too. My mum had been a performer, an award winning Highland Dancer until her accident, and sometimes I was pushed into that role at the drop of a hat, expected to be “on show”, and to perform, whether I wanted to or not.
You can see little me in the photo above and how I look awkward, the tell-tale signs of picking my nails and if you follow the art of Jin Shin Jystu you may notice its my thumb and first finger, which are related to worry and fear.
That push-and-pull left its impression. Already primed for disconnection, I learned that self-reliance and a certain aloofness could protect me from the sting of not belonging. If I disconnected first, then any pain was mine to control.
Even now, decades later, I can feel the echo, the hesitation before stepping into new circles, the flicker of “will I be welcome?”
The difference now is awareness. The walls I built as a child isn’t a fortress anymore. It’s a low fence, and I can see over it. I get to decide when to open the gate.
Sometimes, though, I still wallow there a bit. The old ache still hurts. My mind and body will try to convince me I’m better off staying on my side of the fence, and if I’m really honest, there are moments I secretly hope someone will notice and come looking for me, just to prove I matter, but that is part of the old story that sometimes tries to muscle in and take centre stage.
To everyone else it looks like just another normal day and as is the way they are unaware of the turmoil I am experiencing.
That’s the thing about patterns: they can feel huge and overwhelming inside us, while barely visible to the outside world. Seeing that for what it is makes all the difference, because once you spot it, you can choose whether to stay behind the fence… or step out anyway, and that choice makes all the difference in terms of breaking through previous barriers.
Are you done with YOUR patterns? …. Are you even aware of what it really is that keeps getting in the way of growth?
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