Origin & Echoes

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  • How are you today?

    How are you today? A well meant question but for stressed out parents, especially those of children with complex needs its a question that throws us fear and panic as we try to hide the fact we are struggling.

    Parenting is a minefield, no child comes with an instruction leaflet and no two are the same. No matter how prepared you think you are there are always times that will throw you off guard and send you into a panic filled emotional whirlwind.

    Most of the time we cope very well and with trial, error and a bucket load of humour we steer our way through the stormier waters. There are so many emotions that parenting throws up for us from that first rush of pure love ( oh heck if I didn’t have that am I a bad mother? )  to the overwhelm   of sleepless nights, tantrums and beyond. It can also push triggers to emotional “stuff” from our own childhood.

    The media portrays this glossy image to us of smiling, perfectly groomed mothers effortlessly looking after a brood of smiling, happy children as they welcome their happy relaxed partner home from his bread winning  day. WOah! Reality check there …

    No dinners thrown on your newly cleaned floor? ( it took you all day to manage it too) No tears or tantrums, no tired stressed partner, no worries or problems? Is it any wonder that we begin to feel guilty or inadequate or any other stressful emotion that you personally would like to substitute.

    We can spend a lot of time surrounded buy those who are  only too happy to fill us with tales of their perfect world, perfect pregnancy, perfect birth, perfect children ( add your personal favourite)  and offer us well meant support, however it serves to make us even more stressed. Why Cant I cope like that?

    No one likes to admit that they struggle at times, but for most parents there are times when we do struggle. Sadly we often feel too judged to admit this and therefore struggle on in the best way we can while feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and emotionally drained.

    Add to the mix complications – my own complications came from a traumatic first pregnancy and my  baby being born 12 weeks premature. Emotionally exhausting dealing with all the health hiccups and the NICU, made worse by my personal guilt at not being able to carry her to term, of not being with her around the clock for the 12 weeks she spent in hospital, I’m sure you get the picture.

    My second child, born 18 months later, provided a challenge of a totally different kind.  There were strange issues from very early on and after an extra long battle with Psychologists, Psychiatrists and various other agencies was diagnosed with Aspergers at 15 years old. Now that’s a very long story, that I may well share someday but for now it’s enough to acknowledge that I have experienced this.

    I know only too well the emotional roller coaster that parents can get caught on and it has been my quest to find out ways to support myself through this time.  When my son was around 18 months I found Bach Flower Essences and can say hand on heart that they literally saved me from spiralling into a deep dark place where I felt very irrational and this scared me. The essence I came across was Cherry Plum

    According to the Bach definition “The Cherry Plum fear is very specific: it is the fear that one is going to lose control of oneself and do something dreadful, such as injuring others or harming oneself. Fears of going mad and of acting irrationally are Cherry Plum states.Cherry Plum is also the remedy for a loss of control that has already taken place, because of the frantic fear and dread associated with such situations. Think of the fear a small child feels in the grip of a screaming, irrational tantrum: this too is a Cherry Plum state.”

    I had no idea how it worked but it was a blessing that it did! I iguess this is where my love of essences really began and I would be drawn back to them time and again when I needed support.

    Having witnessed the power that the essences have in supporting us through times of challenge and distress it is my wish to empower other parents and gift them with the support to enable them to return to balance and to re-ignite their joy in parenting.

    If you would like to find out how essences could help support you please contact me at  https://sallyarthurs.youcanbook.me

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  • Parents need support too!

    There is nothing worse than the guilt and frustration that arises when feeling overwhelmed by a parenting issue. No matter what age your child and no matter what the issue is, it can reduce generally well-balanced parents to emotional wrecks.

    We all know the overwhelm of lack of sleep and insecurities that new babies bring but as children grow our parenting skills need to grow to match them. Parenting is a tough job (even though many would refuse to admit that) and for many reasons a parent who is generally able to cope can find that they are suddenly in the midst of some issue that pushes them to their limit and completely overwhelms them. This can feel even more exaggerated if you are the parent of a special needs child.

    It’s not something that we like to discuss with others. It’s scary to admit that you need support and fear of judgement often means that these feelings get bottled up and keep us from being able to work through the issues and come out the other side. I work with parents to explore the emotions that are surfacing and help them find ways to allow them to feel more able to cope. There is no judgement – it doesn’t matter how trivial you may feel the issue is or how huge an obstacle you feel it is. The point is if it’s an issue for you, its something that should be addressed.

  • Autistic spectrum meltdowns – Parents views.

    Meltdowns are one part of parenting an autistic spectrum child that can be really hard to deal with.  Not that I am overlooking the distress our children experiencing this but I want to focus on the emotional drain that this can have on us as parents.

    There is not always an obvious rhyme or reason for a meltdown; in fact as parents we can find ourselves on high alert constantly looking to avoid any known triggers, trying hard to steer them through the day (or even hour) without triggering a full blown meltdown. However we soon find that even with our most conscientious efforts that there will be times that this is just unavoidable.

    This often means that we have a heightened awareness of everything and everyone around us. This can blur the boundaries of what we are feeling and cause us to be hypersensitive to our children and the environment. At times it can feel that we are running on adrenaline and that is totally draining.

    It can feel as though we don’t get any respite, but we feel guilty to “think about ourselves” as our children’s welfare always comes first. After all they are extremely stressed and in a frightening place when in the middle of a meltdown. It can make you feel terrible for even thinking of our own feelings at such a time. Emotionally I liken the feeling of having a scab on a wound that is beginning to heal but is suddenly pulled back off again reopening the hurt and frustrated feelings in a heightened way. This often happens before we have had a chance to process our own thoughts and emotions from the last “issue” and can make it feel a bit like a never ending cycle for us. They need to learn strategies to cope with the issues that cause them meltdowns. Obviously in younger children this is a lot harder as they don’t really have the way to let us know what is causing their sensory over load. We can help them learn these skills better if we approach with a calm energy, leading them by example.

    It’s really important to look after yourself and to try to find ways of dropping our awareness/anxiety levels to a more comfortable place. If we are less stressed – we give off calm energy – which in turn is picked up by our children. Our heightened energy is no longer picked up by them which decreases their anxiety levels somewhat.

    It’s not always feasible for us to have “time out” as often this can create stress for our children which in turn increases our stress levels.   Bringing in a little time for ourselves gradually is a good idea, but can take quite a while to implement, bearing in mind that we feel at our worst  when our child does too. Unfortunately meltdowns can be regular and we need to be able to find ways to release our frustrations and guilt around this in a productive way. Your child will thank you for this – as they feel calmer and more secure when you are.

    This is where Flower & Vibrational Essences can give us a helping hand.  Obviously as there are so many factors going on, you will get more insights and a better blend of essences if you go through the process of an in-depth consultation to support you. However, there are some essences that can bring benefit in the short term and allow us to keep a clear head and calm focus.

    For me I had the head rush of energy that made me feel that I was out of control, that I couldn’t think properly and a real fear rose of not being able to cope with the situation. The essence I used then to drop the rising panic and ground me back into my body was Cherry Plum (Bach Flower Remedies – It can be used to help your child with this too) It brings focus more into the present moment and promotes more rational thinking.

    Taking care of our own emotional wellbeing and creating energetic boundaries lessens what energy we pick up from our children and what they pick up from us. It filters out the knee jerk type reactions and allows us to process information more slowly and productively.