Origin & Echoes

Tag: early-life-experiences

  • Belonging, Fences and Patterns

    One of my earliest patterns was around connection. I was born prematurely in the 60s, an only child with strict parents.

    Due to complications, I was separated from them for the first four weeks of my life. That absence left a mark, that would colour most of my life without me even realising.

    That and other early life experiences were instrumental in creating a deep groove where keeping quiet and staying out of sight felt like the safest option.

    The family message was often clear: be seen and not heard, but there was another side too. My mum had been a performer, an award winning Highland Dancer until her accident, and sometimes I was pushed into that role at the drop of a hat, expected to be “on show”, and to perform, whether I wanted to or not. She expected me to love it because she had but the truth was it was more like my worst nightmare.

    You can see little me in the photo above and how I look awkward, the tell-tale signs of picking my nails and if you follow the art of Jin Shin Jystu you may notice its my thumb and first finger, which are related to worry and fear.

    That push-and-pull left its impression. Already primed for disconnection, I learned that self-reliance and aloofness could protect me from the sting of not belonging. If I disconnected first, then any pain was mine to control.

    Even now, decades later, I can feel the echo, the hesitation before stepping into new circles, the flicker of “will I be welcome?”

    The difference now is awareness. The walls I built as a child isn’t a fortress anymore. It’s a low fence, and I can see over it. I get to decide when to open the gate.

    Sometimes, though, I still wallow there a bit. The old ache still hurts. My mind and body will try to convince me I’m better off staying on my side of the fence, and if I’m really honest, there are moments I secretly hope someone will notice and come looking for me, just to prove I matter, but that is just part of the old story that sometimes tries to muscle in and take centre stage.

    To everyone else it looks like just another normal day and, as is the way, they are unaware of the turmoil I am experiencing.

    That’s the thing about echoes from the past, they can feel huge and overwhelming inside, while being completely invisible to the outside world. Seeing that for what it is makes all the difference, because once you spot it, you can choose whether to stay behind the fence… or step out anyway, and that choice makes all the difference in terms of breaking through previous barriers.

    Are you done with YOUR patterns? …. Are you even aware of what it really is that keeps getting in the way of growth?

    Drop a comment below or lets chat https://tidycal.com/sallyarthurs/20-minute-meeting

  • The Characters we play

    Sometimes it’s easier to notice our default patterns when they’re given a name and a bit of tongue-in-cheek exaggeration. Two that cropped up this week:

    • Heidi Houdini: She bursts in full of enthusiasm, notebook and pens at the ready… and then, just as things get close to a deeper truth, she does a vanishing act worthy of the great Houdini himself. Easier to slip away than risk facing what she’s buried for years.
    • Belinda Brave-Face: Quick with the banter, always upbeat, the one who keeps the jokes and smiles flowing. On the outside she looks fine, but inside there’s a jaded edge, a hollowness that lingers once the punchline has left her lips.

    Both patterns developed for a reason. Heidi learned early that her voice didn’t matter, so she tucked it away.

    Belinda discovered that performing and entertaining kept her liked and safe, while her real feelings were well hidden underneath…and so the show goes on.

    Do you recognise a little bit of Heidi or Belinda in yourself or someone you know?

    Why Healing Sometimes Doesn’t bring what we had hoped for.

    If you’ve ever had healing sessions, maybe even taken an arm full of courses , and found yourself drifting back into the same old patterns afterwards, you’re not alone.

    It’s not that the therapy was ineffective, or that you failed in some way. It’s that for some of us, the silent patterns running in the background don’t hand over control easily. When the solution offered feels out of your control, that sets of the alarm that created the pattern in the first place, and  the deeper part of you quietly pulls back,  and  that’s more than enough to stall change.

    Real, lasting shifts happen when there’s space to be heard. When the pattern itself is kept in view, not bulldozed over but gently listened to. When you can choose how to move forward,  rather than having something “done to or for you.”

    Beginning to Unravel

    So here’s the question I leave with you this week: Are you still willing to pay the price of staying stuck?

    The tricky part is, these patterns don’t usually announce themselves. Often you can’t see them at all, or they wear disguises so convincing they look like common sense, logic, or “just how life is.” That’s why support matters:

    • to help identify what’s really going on under the surface
    • to reframe it so it no longer holds the same power,
    • and to walk with you through whatever surfaces along the way.

    And if you’d like a gentle place to begin, Chiastolite Elixir can support these first steps. For anyone who purchases, I include a simple 3-day ritual protocol as a  gift,  a way of beginning to unbind old vows and ties with intention, while having something steady to hold you as you take those first steps. You can purchase the Elixir here  or book a chat over a cuppa to discuss your needs here 

    Because sometimes the bravest move isn’t a grand leap forward. It’s choosing to start look at  what no longer serves, finding that awareness can be crucial and it gives you the choice to choose what you begin to untangle,  one gentle knot at a time.

  • Autistic spectrum meltdowns – Parents views.

    Meltdowns are one part of parenting an autistic spectrum child that can be really hard to deal with.  Not that I am overlooking the distress our children experiencing this but I want to focus on the emotional drain that this can have on us as parents.

    There is not always an obvious rhyme or reason for a meltdown; in fact as parents we can find ourselves on high alert constantly looking to avoid any known triggers, trying hard to steer them through the day (or even hour) without triggering a full blown meltdown. However we soon find that even with our most conscientious efforts that there will be times that this is just unavoidable.

    This often means that we have a heightened awareness of everything and everyone around us. This can blur the boundaries of what we are feeling and cause us to be hypersensitive to our children and the environment. At times it can feel that we are running on adrenaline and that is totally draining.

    It can feel as though we don’t get any respite, but we feel guilty to “think about ourselves” as our children’s welfare always comes first. After all they are extremely stressed and in a frightening place when in the middle of a meltdown. It can make you feel terrible for even thinking of our own feelings at such a time. Emotionally I liken the feeling of having a scab on a wound that is beginning to heal but is suddenly pulled back off again reopening the hurt and frustrated feelings in a heightened way. This often happens before we have had a chance to process our own thoughts and emotions from the last “issue” and can make it feel a bit like a never ending cycle for us. They need to learn strategies to cope with the issues that cause them meltdowns. Obviously in younger children this is a lot harder as they don’t really have the way to let us know what is causing their sensory over load. We can help them learn these skills better if we approach with a calm energy, leading them by example.

    It’s really important to look after yourself and to try to find ways of dropping our awareness/anxiety levels to a more comfortable place. If we are less stressed – we give off calm energy – which in turn is picked up by our children. Our heightened energy is no longer picked up by them which decreases their anxiety levels somewhat.

    It’s not always feasible for us to have “time out” as often this can create stress for our children which in turn increases our stress levels.   Bringing in a little time for ourselves gradually is a good idea, but can take quite a while to implement, bearing in mind that we feel at our worst  when our child does too. Unfortunately meltdowns can be regular and we need to be able to find ways to release our frustrations and guilt around this in a productive way. Your child will thank you for this – as they feel calmer and more secure when you are.

    This is where Flower & Vibrational Essences can give us a helping hand.  Obviously as there are so many factors going on, you will get more insights and a better blend of essences if you go through the process of an in-depth consultation to support you. However, there are some essences that can bring benefit in the short term and allow us to keep a clear head and calm focus.

    For me I had the head rush of energy that made me feel that I was out of control, that I couldn’t think properly and a real fear rose of not being able to cope with the situation. The essence I used then to drop the rising panic and ground me back into my body was Cherry Plum (Bach Flower Remedies – It can be used to help your child with this too) It brings focus more into the present moment and promotes more rational thinking.

    Taking care of our own emotional wellbeing and creating energetic boundaries lessens what energy we pick up from our children and what they pick up from us. It filters out the knee jerk type reactions and allows us to process information more slowly and productively.